You Can Take Your White Claw Hate and Shove It

Lauren Modery
5 min readOct 28, 2021

I love White Claw and here’s why.

Recently I attended a small outdoor gathering and brought with me a six-pack of the popular hard seltzer beverage White Claw.

As I greeted the host for the first time, she looked down at the cans in my hand and made a face I’ve seen before when discussing White Claw. A face of both disapproval and disgust.

“White Claw? Ugh.”

I instantly felt a surge of rage rise from deep within my core.

Instead of saying what I wanted to say, which was “F*ck you, I like my White Claw, audacious person I just met,” I said, “I don’t drink much anymore, so White Claw is more my speed,” which is 100% accurate.

You see, in my early twenties I used alcohol to deal with my woes — my woes being that I had just moved to Los Angeles and had become a personal assistant to a tyrant.

Prior to that move, I was a college student who did not drink until she was legally allowed. I was raised by a single mom and a grandma who didn’t drink and they told me not to drink and so I didn’t. I had tasted booze a handful of times before the age of 21, but I didn’t fulfill my college destiny by getting wasted on a weekly basis. I took college pretty seriously, plus I had a job, a boyfriend, and family that I regularly visited — I didn’t have time to drink.

Fast forward to me living in Los Angeles — single, bewildered, excited, more stressed than I could ever imagine. The first time I learned the power of booze was when I found myself sitting at a table with John Stamos, Ashley Olsen, Lindsay Lohan, Wilmer Valderrama, and a really famous Oscar-winning actor who has since been Me Too’d.

I felt invisible sitting amongst these people, and I saw how all of them became happier and calmer the more they sipped their drinks. The Oscar-winning actor was singing and dancing, the Olsen twin was texting Bob Saget to come hang out, and the newly divorced Stamos was talking about how he now enjoyed fishing and young ladies. The only other person besides myself that looked like a deer caught in headlights was Lindsay Lohan.

After that night I decided I would give booze a shot. At the next work party, I ordered a cosmopolitan because that’s…

--

--

Lauren Modery

Freelance writer; film Loves Her Gun premiered @ SXSW ‘13; used to be a Hollywood assistant; rail enthusiast; check out my dumb blog, hipstercrite.com